OddBot spake thusly:

Normally, I keep on driving. Witnessing the horror, the abominations of things that should not be done.

But then one day, it all snaps. One man can not take it any more. Will not take it any more.

First off go see the new Batman movie. I don’t know if it will be any good, but I know it will be awesome.

Secondly, back to the damn story. Driving around today, perhaps on the way to see a lady of fame and beauty, or perhaps not, I saw abomination. And it was abominable.

I saw this:

Normally I don’t use this phrase, but here goes: “Oh, fuck me running”.

One, we’ll go ahead and put aside “cajan”, which Is just not a correctly spelled word, but hey, it’s a word that the Bojangles employee might not see every day, what with having the menu behind them and them looking out at you, the angry customer. And it is, at the very least, phonetically plausible.

Two. Did you sound this out? Did you just look at the letter bucket, disappointed with the limited choices you had and say “ah, fuck it, who will notice?”

OR (And I think this the more likely scenario), did  you forget that you worked at a place that SELLS BISCUITS and is so into selling biscuits that they have put it RIGHT THERE ON THE SIGN WHERE YOU CAN CHECK YOUR SPELLING.

I’m not normally one to point fingers, but this Bojangles is located at 1407 E 3rd St, Charlotte, NC 28204-3229. Its phone number is 704-372-2670. It is owned by… Well, I don’t know who.

Also, Bojangles is delicious and they love America. But they probably need to have some sort of review process for signs.

Batman wouldn’t have to stand for this.

OddBot spake thus:

I love bad movies. Painfully bad. The ones that make Troma films look like a metaphor that would indicate a comparatively non-crappy movie. Anyways, I love the discount theater. Known locally as whatever the price of the ticket is. “I’m going to the dollar fifty theater” and people know what you’re talking about. This doesn’t happen in other places really. How many times have you heard people say “I’m going to the 8 dollar haircut place” or “I’m going to the hundred dollar breast implant doctor”. It just doesn’t work.

Anyways, movies you can get into for practically nothing. Where else can you really see a movie that you’re pretty sure won’t have that many redeeming qualities and not feel bad about it. It’s a great filler for a day when you’re bored or wasting time.

It’s also one of the few places you’d ever want to catch a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. Yes, I will admit it. I, OddBot, paragon of fashion (you won’t see me out without my sharkskin pants) and wisdom (I can always spot a bad idea from a mile away), went to go see What Happens in Vegas. It was amusing. Not like good movie amusing, but in a “hey, it only cost $1.50 and it had Zach Galifianakis in it” sort of way. I can’t really remember all of the plot, but there was one. And it was originally crafted written in english. Hell, you get points on the SATs for writing your names. Shouldn’t they get credit for having a plot and words?

I don’t know if I’m allowed to post a movie poster without getting sued or causing people pain so I just drew what I could remember of it.

It was also troubling. “Why?”, you may ask loyal reader/comedy show attendee. Well, because I realized what romantic comedies are missing that would totally help them. Most every romantic comedy centers around the idea that men are dumb and follow this pattern

1. hey, this guy is dumb
2. hey, this guy is probably dumb
3. …but here’s some reasons why he has potential
4. oh, look, I was wrong and he failed me because our love wasn’t true
5. good thing i have girlfriends who will comfort me
6. guy realizes he lost a good thing
7. guy tries to get better but the estro-wall of the girlfriends are blocking him
8. guy proves to girl with some dumb display that he loves her
9. look now he’s better because he really loves me
10. life is perfect forever

But this is dumb. It is also easily fixed. How? Boxing movies. Boxing movies always end up having a guy get his ass kicked but then he gets better. How? That’s right. A training montage.

Romantic comedies need a love montage. Maybe showing him taking classes on how to get cards or sitting around and eating horribly cooked that he has to say tastes great, but can’t until his trainer yells and him and then he stops crying and begs his trainer for one more chance and then he chomps down on an overcooked steak and through tears tells the trainer that it tastes like heaven and thank you for loving him enough to prepare it.

Love montages would help guys understand these damn movies better. Also, I bet there could be a really kick ass song by Survivor or Ratt or something in there while they do it. Or maybe Rush. “Tom Sawyer” would make me want to love someone.

“The world is, the world is
Love and life are deep
Maybe as his skies are wide”

OddBot. Out.

EDITORS NOTE: OddBot is a trained professional. This review was done on a closed course. Do not try to watch “What Happens in Vegas” at home.

Thinking is hard. You have to go from one place in your head to another place in your head. And if your head is anything like mine, it’s the did you know that the Hulk has some awesome products?

I want this. I want this. I want this. Ohhhh, now I don’t want it. No more play.

 
See, in this book, we learn about the search for a cure for hulkism. That involves flowers. The entire book talks about the hulk searching for flowers. Because as everyone who loves the hulk knows, the hulk loves flowers. And rampaging. Probably he loves rampaging through a field of lilies. Lillies? Fuck it. This:
 

BONUS: Also, here’s fellow Robot castmember Quay doing what he does third-best, making everyone laugh (clip taped by the Charlotte Observer w/ intro from Sean-the-not-ham-fisted).

I hope these words find you well.

PS. The war on the southern front is going well, but it’s taking its toll on us. Please, Mother, send fresh blankets and vodka tonics. Conditions are desperate. We’re reduced to telling knock knock jokes and… I love you. If I haven’t ever told you that before, know that it’s true now.

PPS.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Malaria
Uhm. No one’s here.

-OddBot

Hello Robots and those comfortable with the Robot-Lifestyle,

OddBot here. I’ll give you your presents in a moment. Now, as “The Voice of Robot Johnson” (not to be confused with “The Face of Robot Johnson” (Sean), “The PR Genius of Robot Johnson” (Dave) or “The Righteous Crushing Fist of Robot Johnson” (Brandon)), I normally get asked two questions repeatedly throughout the week:

1. “Where do you get your voice? It seems to be made of Bravery and a dash of chocolate and silk. I just want you to hum so that the world might be set right. Don’t look at me, though. it ruins the illusion.”

MY ANSWER:
My voice was given to me by my vocal chords and genetics. Also, I fought an angel for their voice and won. And then I fought another angel and took their voice. Then I ran because I had just beaten two angels. Also, thank you for liking my voice.

2. “You were in the Graduate, then you were in the Duke Energy Theater and then in the McGlohon and now you’re back in the Duke Energy Theater (Ed. PLUG: for a whole month, get your tickets). Now, I as a loyal fan who is speaking to you, the real and impressive OddBot, find your Chutes-and-Ladders movement towards fame to be very befuddling. I demand that you give me a way to know where you are! Also, to tell me awesome things that you will tell no one else, because you have a voice that would lead cowards to acts of bravery and fill their minds with thoughts of chocolate and silk. Here is a dollar.”

MY ANSWER:
You… you flatter me. But really, I sound awesome. Oh, as to the other bit, well, that’s easy. Just sign up for our newsletter (it’s at the top of our page on the left). Since we’re occasionally having to change venues we like to keep our audience informed where we are. We also send out notice of any appearances that don’t occur on our calendar. If you want to take that advance information and help publicize us then we will love you. A thousand year kind of love… but through our newsletter.

3.”But you’ll just email me coupons for weiner balms and the like”

MY ANSWER:
Actually, no one said that to me and it’s not a question really, but we want to let you know that we’re not in the business of trying to spam people. We want people who like us to be able to find us and to help support us and have our true and honest thanks.

And now, to show our thanks, here’s two freebies from our 10 o’clock show last week. The illustrious Talking Baby and a sketch from the show. Both will make you want to rush and sign up for our newsletter.

And if you haven’t picked up on this before, our show is Rated R for a Reason®. So, please if you’re at work, don’t listen to these without putting headsets on, crawling under your desk and living in shame the way God intended for you to be when you are enjoying things that are awesome.

-OddBot

PS: Robot Johnson drinks for our own entertainment. We write here for yours. Feel free to leave a comment. It will make you see more human robotic in our eyes laser-beam eyes.

 

 Talking Baby [12:40m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 

 Thomas Edison [4:27m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Tomorrow night is the last two shows we’ll be doing at The McGlohon Theater. Shows are 8 & 10p, and it’s last of our big venue shows. And just coincidently, do yourself a favor and NEVER search Google pictures typing the words “Big Boy Pants.” Any minute now I expect Dateline NBC to come crashing through my door. Yikes, what a mistake. (Cue hamfisted segway) But don’t YOU make a mistake and miss the last two Robot Johnson performances at The McGlohon Theater.

- Papabot