Ah, snow. Snow is always a favorite of mine. It makes me feel entitled to be lazy. Like it’s a patriotic duty. It also allows everyone else in town to be a fucking maniac, hoarding food and toilet paper like the grasshopper who never prepared for winter.

It also reminds me of one of the few reasons I ever had to make a point of reading the Charlotte Observer. Doug Robarchek. He wrote the Outfront column (ironically buried deep in the paper above the tv listings) from 1986 until his retirement in 2005. I always enjoyed reading his column and delightfully over the top sarcasm.

I’m reminded of him because he would inevitably write about the ominous Lone Charlotte Snowflake. Once sighted, it would cover the entire city, causing everyone to hoard, forget how to drive and tell everyone else about their feelings on the weather as well as pointing out that it was in fact not them, but everyone else who could not drive.

Anyways. I wanted to take this time to pay homage to a man who made it a bit easier for me to be stuck in traffic yesterday trying to get home.

So as many of you out there may know, we were homeless until just recently. If you have any doubts check out RoJo’s Graham and Brandon’s cars. They show clear signs of being lived out of. (If you look at Candice’s car you can clearly see that it’s filled with pinatas and how it runs off of the tears of geeks. )

On the upside, we now have a home of sorts through the end of the year. We’ll be doing monthly shows at CAST on top of our new-found road gigs and appearance at festivals. You can check out the calendar on the left, but it does work out to at least one every month of the year. Except Mvesnetober. Which is not a real month. I don’t even know why I mentioned it.

We’ll be at the first night of North Carolina Comedy Arts festival on Thursday, February 4th in Carrboro, NC (near Chapel Hill, NC) if you’re up that way. We’re one of several acts appearing that night and hope to be the best dressed and if all goes well the funniest. Little known fact: Sketch comedy has a reputation as a meat market. It’s mostly filled with beautiful people having sex with other beautiful people. And then writing sketches about it.

We head down to Greenville, SC again on Feb 23rd for another show at the Gathering Spot on Main Street.

Our next show here in Charlotte is at CAST on Feb 27th @ 10pm.

We hope to see you there. We also hope your mom stops calling us at and asking us to satisfy them all the time. It’s gotten bit weird.

-OddBot

Things have never been this bad. Not only is my bed unfilled with supermodels, I’m currently so impoverished that I’ve been forced to sublet it. So now I have to remember not to knock down the false wall that divides my bed, les Otto the german imigrant be angered by my movement. My ability to remain absolutely still while being filled with terror and sadness has helped make an acceptable, if fragile calm between me and Klaus.

Sigh.

It’s probably for the best. They say that comedians are at their best when their lives are at their worst. 

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
-Mel Brooks

We also want to help other people succeed the same way so we make their lives a living hell with our clever, Oscar Wilde-an observations.

You’re fat, disgusting, foreign and fat.
-Clever Observation 

So, I take this opportunity to stop myself crying and start you all laughing (or not, probably). This week has been filled with comedic possibility.

• Overheard: “…you know, I watched Saw VI and it was pretty good. I don’t know why everyone hated it”
• Seen on a license plate: ”ROB THMS”
• Experienced: Checkout lady at grocery store: Asks for my ID so I can buy a 6 pack. “Sorry, I have to ask everyone. It doesn’t even matter how old they look. Not that you look old. Earlier today, the police busted a clerk at the Harris Teeter just up the road in a sting. They got charged like thousands of dollars. Thousands.”She’s finished ringing up my item – my only item – by this point and just keeps going on.”And you know what, I’m not going to be paying thousands of dollars. Because I’m not going to break the law. Nuh uhn. Not for you. Not for nobody”Slowly backing away.”I mean, I’ve got better uses for a few thousand dollars. I could go on a trip to see my relatives out west and stay in a really nice place. And to think. All for asking for ID, so yes, I’m going to be asking everyone. Have a nice day, okay!”
• Overheard: “Oh, god. Adam Lambert is so out there. It’s cool he can sing, but he just goes out there and shocks people. It’s great.” 
• Overheard: “If it hadn’t been for prayer, I never would have gotten laid. The night I prayed, sincerely is the night God granted my wish and gave me the most beautiful, sexy woman imaginable.”

From these moments that normally would prompt the ordinary person to roll their eyes and possibly bludgeon everyone around them with a rock, a comedian draws inspiration. For instance, I gain motivation to call myself a comedian, because calling myself a comedian  and impresses people a little bit and interests people who might buy me food. By contrast, the alternative is calling myself “someone who doesn’t bludgeon people to death for being idiots” which would scare strangers a little bit and would interest police a lot more than I’d like.

I guess this whole thing is a bit silly, really.

As soon as You realize everything’s a Joke,being The Comedian is the only thing that makes sense
-The Comedian – Watchmen

Where was I going with this? I think I was going to eventually make a point about the long term viability of the recycling policies of small-to-medium sized city waste disposal companies. Or gays.

Good job, OddBot. Start out talking about how you better understand life through comedy and then end up with hate speech.

-OddBot

The new year is really going well. I found a party to go to that had chili, mac & cheese, swedish meatballs a variety of both nacho and not-nacho cheeses. It was fantastic. They had some sort of sports-thing on the television, which was alright. I got a little lost. I thought they fired a pistol at the beginning of the games to let all the athletes know when they could start beating the other team to death. Apparently whichever team won got a year’s supply of free roses. I just focused on my cheese buffet and pretended to be deaf so no one would ask me anything about the game.

I went to see Avatar earlier in the day and it was good. Avatar-good. Being a nerd, I kept wondering when the 10 foot tall alien’s bead-bikini would fall off. But here’s the thing that bugged me. I go to the box office to buy my two tickets (one for me and another just in case I should meet a sexy lady coming out of another movie and want to ask her to come to my movie) and the box office attendant asks “Do you want to see it in 3D or 2D?” It worries me, because it signals that we are apparently now entering a world of 2D-class citizens and 3D-class citizens. That’s right. Some people are now going to be able to see things with 50% more dimension than everyone else. Somehow or another this is a Republican scheme.

Now look, I didn’t vote for John McCain not because he’s a Republican, but because I am a white person and being a white person know what sort of shadiness they get up to. Hell, I was at the grocery store the other day and I started claiming things by planting flags. I was eventually escorted out for planting flags in a 32 oz porterhouse. Anyways, people getting to see extra dimensions is the sorta thing that happens when the Republican Free Market  System® has run amock. We need to level the playing field using Obama Justice Juice® (from concentrate, may contain less than 3% real juice). Why don’t we simply make all movies 2.35D ? That’s splitting the difference between 2D and 3D, factoring in some loss due to government waste, regulatory compliance and toxic waste.

Why can’t we just go back to the days when we all paid for the obvious surcharges of going to the “nice theater” with its clean bathrooms instead of the “stabbed by teenagers, can’t hear the movie” theater with its “EZ Molest Bathroom” technology? It was much simpler.

Anyways, to summarize: Cheese party good. Avatar gooder.

-OddBot

Sweet mary (or whatever applicable religious icon you prefer, preferably with boobs with which to reassure yourself), it’s finally over-ish. No more presents, no more god-awful secular and non-secular seasonal music, no more people wearing funny sweaters. Oh, before I move too far beyond the point, I’m going to write a Christmas song some day. Apparently, it doesn’t even have to be good. Fuck, that Buble character is just singing the entire catalogue of Frank Sinatra all over again.

Anyways, it’s all over. All that’s left is New Year’s Eve, the lazy person’s party day. Traditionally people like to think of it as a reason to celebrate the clearing away of the past and a looking forward to the new year and all its possibilities. In actuality it’s a holiday filled with shitty entertainment options ranging from the droll and untalented to the morosely fucktarded (those options which involve a co-ordinated multi-time zone party), stupid paper hats and noise-makers, overpriced bottles of champagne and DUI checkpoints within DUI checkpoints. Top that off with a count down that in all likelihood isn’t quite accurate and the realization that most people paid $50 for the privilege of going out and being trapped in a smoke-filled idiot factory… Fuck it. It makes us look forward to the well thought out and historically important works of Saint Patrick’s day. Yes, Saint Patrick’s day: Because what the dye in green beer did to your more impolite bodily functions all the other years.

That’s why Robot Johnson celebrates New Years Eve on December 30th by getting together as a group, having a few drinks and watching the best of our soft core porn collection (mostly taped off of Cinemax) and then voting on who brought the best. Last year was won by Brandon with The Lusty Busty Babe-a-que and the previous year by Meghan with Sexy Sex Sex: An Erotic Sexcapade. Whoever wins is given an IOU for $100,000 from the group. This both says very positive things about where we’re headed, but says very little for our business acumen and common sense. We’re very pretty but very dumb (Except OddBot who is not at all pretty and is somewhat not-dumb).

It’s our holiday tradition that allows us to spend New Years Eve going to bed early, eating a decent bit of food and spending our $50 on lap dances like god intended.

Here’s to hoping you’re spending New Year’s Eve in a safe, sound place finding some auld lang syne in someone’s pants.

-OddBot