Good morning and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends, many in this room know me. One of you I met on the bus over here. Now, everyone of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you simply and directly: “My Bad”. I deeply and truly feel that this was my bad.  People want to know how I could have been so stupid and selfish. I’m kind of curious about it myself.

While I have always tried to be private, I have a few things to say. Which I will say here for you now. Here goes. My wife, Elin and I have begun working through this. Elin – who many of you in the media have rudely begun calling “Wife #1” when in fact she is so much more than “Wife #1” to me. As she has told me, my apology to her will not be in words or in giant bags of money with dollar bills drawn on them. My apology will be in how many women I do not have sex with while I am married to her, which I hope will be for a substantial period of time. I have asked her and she cannot give me a firm date. So I am just going to pencil her in for until I die.

I am aware of the damage not only to my wife, but to my public image, with which I sought to change the lives of young people and perhaps fight crime and maybe to know just once, what it was like to breastfeed. Unfortunately, my mission to change lives went a bit astray. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done these things. Mostly I did them with my penis, but I also did them with my heart. Metaphorically. Except the penis. That was literal. And shameful.

I have a lot to atone for but I have one issue I want to discuss. It has been said that Elin hurt me (on the night of the wreck) (when I told her how I had been cheating on her) (and boy, was she pissed) (like a lot). That angers me. There had never been domestic abuse in our marriage. Except when I put my skanky slept-with-tons-of-strangers penis in her, which was probably very dangerous. Elin has shown tremendous grace in this ordeal. She has shown tremendous grace, elegance, hotness and a good fashion sense throughout. She was as dumb as a rock for staying with me, but she is a graceful rock.

I alone am responsible for this situation. I mean sometimes a guy can blame his wife for him sleeping with other women. Not me. No, this was all me. Again, my bad.

The issue here is that I cheated. I am the only person to blame. I stopped living according to my core values. Values such as “hit golf balls into holes very accurately” and “charge tons of cash to sponsors who want to convey an image that says that if they buy this product that they too can hit golf balls into holes.” Accurately.

I have strayed far from what is appropriate because of fame and fortune. I thought I was entitled to anything I wanted, because of fame and fortune. Women? Fame and Fortune. More Women? Fame and Fortune. Women to bring me more Women? Fame and Fortune. Because of Fame and Fortune, I didn’t have to go very far to get all of the things I wanted. Such as Women.

Money and fame made me feel this way. Money and fame are partially to blame, except for those areas where I am to blame since this is solely my fault.

I have a long way to go but have taken the right first steps. I understand the press wants details. Some have made things up that never happened. Some have said that I took performance enhancing drugs. Which is not true. I mean, look at me. This is all god-given.

I love my wife.

I have a lot of work to do and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of this for me is Buddhism. My agent said that this would be a good time to find religion, but I told him that I already had religion. I had it all along. Inside. For those of you who don’t know Buddhism is more than just a religion of tiny statues and Richard Gere. It is also a religion where you don’t fuck everything that moves.

I do plan to return to golf one day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday and for the rest of my life.

Now, I will awkwardly hug some people. Please, do not ask for autographs.