Hello, Internet. It’s been a long time since we had some alone time, but instead of making excuses, I’ll just say you became unattractive to me. Some time has gone by, and I see you’ve been working out. You’ve changed your hair and it suits you. And the reason why I called this lunch date is to see if I still have a shot.

In this new feature called: “All I Eats is Cheeseburgers.” (Based on a true story.) It’s a review of sorts, and it already feels like I’ve spent way too much time setting this thing up.

Today’s review comes courtesy of Punchy’s Diner, located in Concord, NC. Before I start a review of the cheeseburger, let me paint you a picture with my word brush. (And the actual picture of the actual food above)

I enjoy being the best looking person in any place I walk into. So I was gloriously happy when I walked into Punchy’s. It wasn’t so much that everyone was a bunch of uggos (Especially one waitress in particular – who we’ll get to later), but more that I’m so dashing and handsome, that others pale in comparison. The joint has Elvis and Marilyn brik-a-brak everywhere. (Minus one) But it also has a full service counter, which any right thinking person will tell you, is awesome. As for the client base, don’t expect to see any talent, it isn’t that kind of shop. But I enjoy eating a burger with old people as much as the next incredibly handsome guy, and sat down with my peeps at Punchy’s with an open mind.

Punchy’s has 3 things going for it:
1) The previously mentioned full service counter
2) You can eat lunch and be full for $10.
3) The waitress who’s name may or may not be Karen.

I’m going to call her Karen, because it sounds right to me, but it could be any girl’s name that starts with a hard k sound. I’m not good with names. Or algebraic equations, but I’m getting off topic.

Before I start describing Karen, (May not be her real name) I have to tell you that I am happily married to the raven haired girl of my dreams. She’s a lot like me. Easy on the eyes, fun to be around, smart, funny, and a real dynamo in the sack. With that being stated:

Karen is hawt. The good kind of hot. Not stupid, mean girl hot. She’s nice, and told my friend who’s always in the market for a new ex that she rides horses and shoots guns.

She’s smiley, and the old men follow her with their eyes as she walks around the establishment. When my sassy, single friend asked her “Why do you work here?” In a condescending, “You need to escape this place, please let me help you” sort of way, Karen (Not her real name) didn’t roll her eyes at having to explain herself for the thousandth time that day. No, she smiled politely and said, “I haven’t figured out what the rest of my life is going to look like yet.” I take solace in those words. Because Karen (I know it’s not Karen), I don’t know yet either, and while you probably couldn’t tell, because I hold myself with an ageless grace and steel eyes you can just get lost in, I’m older than you. And I don’t know what the rest of my life is going to look like either. (Plus two points)

Now here’s the bad:
1) Ordering a salad here is like dating a musician. You’re gonna get fucked.
2) What I can only describe as “The world’s oldest little person” is a regular here, and while you might think that’s a positive, try not staring at a little person for 45 minutes. It’s difficult.
3) Mary’s handsome husband Joseph, I believe I already mentioned the Elvis and Marilyn crap.

BURGER TIME!
It came faster than you’d think. Back when you could smoke in restaurants (What were we thinking?) if it took longer than chain smoking two cigarettes for the food to arrive, service was slow. So I always measure service wait time in cigarettes, and our food came out in one cigarette.

The cheeseburger is exactly what you’d expect from a diner. And the fries were the fat kind that I like. I give this burger 100. (Out of a possible 157.)

This beautiful, yet approachable man would eat here again.
Mostly because of Karen. (I’m starting think it is actually Karen.)

Punchy’s: 100 out of 157.